Unlock the life you want
Individual & couples’ therapy in Sydney’s Eastern suburbs
Tel: 02 9290 8520
Email: info[AT]bondipsych.com.au
Exam time is full of stress and anxiety.
All parents and carers of teens are aware of this and many implement stress-busting habits and supportive nutrition to minimise the suffering (for both the teen and the adult!).
But what happens post-exam, after the hype, when the hoopla is over?
A common complaint of clients in my practice is that they feel “lost.”
They have no direction, or don’t know what they want in life (other than a vague desire to be “happy”).
Some are having a huge struggle with making an important life decision, others just feel a sense of “meh” about their life – they experience neither joy nor deep sorrow. They’re flatlining emotionally.
It’s a really horrible state to be in and it is distressing for many.
In most relationships, at some point, there are disagreements. This is true for marriages and romantic relationships, friendships, siblings, parents, offspring, and work colleagues among others.
These disagreements are part of life and they don’t have to be a big deal. But they can become a huge problem if you and someone in your life keep having the same fight over and over.
Frustration ensues, leaving you both feeling hurt, unheard and raw. It can make you want to avoid the issue, leading to even more frustration and hurt, and the issue grows bigger and bigger.
For some, living in a messy state is highly tolerable. For others, it is a frustrating, anxiety-producing nightmare of a situation. As a psychologist I am an advocate of an uncluttered mind, and having an uncluttered home can help get you there.
We all have different reactions to clutter. Some love a sparse, well-organised interior whilst others appreciate the texture that life’s detritus gives to a home.
But we aren’t discussing the various pros and cons of a minimalist versus maximalist décor here. What we are really talking about are the behaviours around clutter and how clutter affects our thinking and clarity, decision making, and overall sense of calm and wellbeing.
Research shows that people who regularly declutter or who maintain an organised home and work space are more likely to be punctual, less likely to be stressed, and generally have better working memories. Those are some pretty great reasons to keep your house (mostly) free of clutter – and your desk/work space too.
But like everything, decluttering your home is easier said than done. So how do we get to a level of organisation without feeling totally daunted by the task? Follow these tips for reducing clutter in your home environment.
When clients first come to see me for counselling at my practice, I always ask, “What is your bedtime ritual? What do you do to get ready for bed?”
Some are a little alarmed and others have a little bit of a routine, but most could improve on their bedtime ritual.
Your bedtime ritual is important as it signals to your brain that it is time to slow it all down and get ready for shutting off for the evening. This means that when you get in to bed, you’re not still “wired” and ready to go, feeling all antsy and agitated.
Everyone is different in what they like to do before bedtime. Certainly in places where there are definitive seasons, a summer ritual may be quite different to a winter ritual. There is no one way to do your bedtime ritual but I am going to list a few tried and true activities that can be incorporated as you like.
As your darling child chatterbox moves into the adolescent phase of development, you might notice a significant decline in the number of syllables they utter. Grunting seems to answer all manner of questions from “How was your day?” to “Would you like pizza tonight?”.
It’s natural to feel anxious about this, especially as the change can seem to have happened overnight (similar to the suddenly-grown-out-of-all-clothing phenomenon). It’s hard to get used to and can be isolating for an otherwise involved parent. You may end up desperately Googling for advice on how to keep your teen talking because you feel like they are drifting away and you want to keep them close.
Take heart. Your once-talkative, funny, noisy little person will return – though somewhat more mature – but for now they are figuring themselves out and want to do this alone (or at least, without adult involvement). Adolescence is a time for individuating, where they start to test their own (and maybe yours, your extended family’s, the school’s) boundaries. It is an important process and this is what allows our kids to develop into autonomous adults (eventually).
When a relationship is off track and neither of you are particularly pleased with your partnership, it can feel scary. Though you want to “work” at it and get back the loving affection you once had, it may seem like a daunting task.
Take heart. Research indicates that doing frequent small acts to turn your relationship around can change an overly negative relationship into a predominantly positive one. If you don’t believe me, you and your partner can test out some of the following suggestions.
When you are experiencing tension with your partner, it’s natural to start wondering whether you need marriage counselling. You may have forgotten how to really listen to your partner or you may feel that they never listen to you. Seeing a relationship therapist is definitely worth exploring, but there are some techniques you can apply right now to the way you relate to your partner that can help turn things around – it’s like DIY marriage counselling.
One of the most significant things I see as a couples’ counsellor is a lack of genuine listening between couples – I know they care about one another or they wouldn’t take the time to see me, but they are not conveying that caring message to each other, at a time when that message needs to be heard most. True listening is more than just hearing your partner’s words – it’s a process of receiving, accepting, processing, empathising and responding.
One major block to truly listening to your partner is feeling hurt and thinking about what you want to say to defend yourself. You may criticise your partner, or cross-complain (this is when one partner raises an issue and the other raises a counter issue – eg. I am angry that you didn’t tell me you were going out, which is countered with You keep spending all of the money). Address one issue at a time.
Asking your partner to see a relationship therapist can be tricky. You and/or your partner might feel uncomfortable with the very idea of a third person knowing all about you and your relationship, but, as with many difficult conversations, it’s all about getting the timing and the tone right.
